We all know that person who is always spouting off funny quotes. They seem to have a quote for every occasion, and they’re always making everyone laugh. But what if you could be that person? Imagine being the life of the party, always ready with a clever quip. Here are some funny quotes to help you on your way.

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” —Zach Galifianakis

“I’m sure wherever my dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” —Jack Whitehall

“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” —Damien Fahey

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” —Groucho Marx

“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” —Dorothy Parker

“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.”—Maria Bamford

“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” —Oscar Wilde

 “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” —Halley Reed

“Woke up today. It was terrible.” —Grumpy Cat

“If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.” — Claire Foster 

“I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.” —Dr. Peter Venkman

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”—Robin Williams

 Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was?” Clouseau: “The exploding kind.” —Francois

“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” —Wanda

“What do you mean, he doesn’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb.” —Aunt Voula

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” —Steve Martin

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” —Groucho Marx

“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.” —Adam Gropman

“When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.” —Larry

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” —Graham Norton

“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” —Clairee Belcher

“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” —Clark Griswold

“There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.” Fred: “Your feet?” —Lucy

“There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.” —Elise

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

“Always go to other people’s funerals; otherwise, they won’t come to yours.” —Yogi Berra

“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” —Will Rogers

“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.” —George Carlin

“We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%.” —Ellen DeGeneres

“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”  —Abraham Lincoln

“A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you.” —Channing Pollock

“One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” Rita Mae Brown

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” —Anonymous

“Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.” —Steve Martin

“The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they’ve been indicted.” —Kin Hubbard

“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox

“I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” —W.C. Fields

“Never eat more than you can lift.” —Miss Piggy

“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown 

“It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.” —Malcolm Forbes

“A gossip is a person who creates smoke in which other people assume there’s fire.” —Dan Bennett

“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” —Mark Twain

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” —Jerome K. Jerome

“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson

“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock

“The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.” —G.K. Chesterton

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley

“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” —Will Rogers

“You can’t have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic.” —Zig Ziglar

“Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.” —Marcelene Cox

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” —Joan Rivers

 “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. —Oscar Wilde

 “Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.” —Jim Halpert

“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone

 “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

“The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.” —Ann Landers

 “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov

 “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” —Sandra Bullock

 “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” Winston S. Churchill

 “Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.” —Mark Twain

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.” ―Will Rogers

 “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” —Judith Martin

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” —Jim Carrey

 “The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” —Dolly Parton

 “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” —Jean Illsley Clarke

 “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” —Sir Norman Wisdom

“Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.” —Sophia Petrillo

 “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” —Lucille Ball

 “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.” —Pam Beesly

​​”My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” —Garry Shandling

“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie Bradshaw

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.” Doug Larson

Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.” Mark Withers

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.Winston Chruchill

A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.William James

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.Paul R. Ehrlich

A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.Laurence J. Peter

Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.John Wayne

Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.Jeffree Star

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.Walter Mathau

If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.George Burns

If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.Chuck Palahniuk

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.Andy Borowitz

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.Bill Hicks

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.Steve Carell

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun.Scott Adams

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!Steven Weinberg

A camel is a horse designed by a committee.Sir Alec Issigonis

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eatJim Davis

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.Derek Bok

Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.Jessica Simpson

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.Groucho Marx

I drink to make other people more interesting.Ernest Hemingway


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